It’s the having friends, for me. – Zarah Sranotyourwife1214
You know, besties. BFF’s, your girls, your ride or dies. Just like the ones you see on TikTok just vibing together. At some point you’ve had them, kind of. Maybe at school, in year 3, where you have a different best friend each week, or even during college/university when doing group assignments or living in the same accommodation as them for a period of time. But nothing really sticks, you know?
We all have some kind of ‘friends’. The ones we haven’t seen in years, the ones social media kindly reminds us of their birthdays, and we wish them. The ones we once knew, but still consider some sort of friends thanks to our social media network. But what about real friends. The ones who support you, support everything you’re excited about, support your business (as much as the latest Fenty Beauty release they share everywhere online), ones who are proud of you, the ones who put you forward for opportunities without hesitation, ones that have your back no matter what. Those ones, real ones. True friends are there to travel with you through each personal journey you have, every version you become and be a part of the journey we call life.
We live in a world of filters, likes and followers. We long for this digital popularity yet when we sit alone in our thoughts listening to our favourite nostalgic song, we realise the ultimate power a human connection holds.
So, why does it happen? Why does it feel like everyone around us has found their ultimate lifelong friends and friendships except… You and I? How does everyone have the most amazing set of friends who plan surprise birthday brunches for them, who introduce them to their future boyfriends, who share posts to their stories, who they can confide in no matter what, make the crazy fun videos we see everywhere and who they plan endless trips with. Why not me? Why haven’t I found these friends yet? Why did my friendships end? Why was I the only one cut out; maybe I’m the problem? Why did they choose to just stop talking to me with no explanation? Did they phase me out because I’m the single one?
As frustrating and Bridget Jones-esq it sounds, it gets harder as you get older. It’s quite easy to say, ‘your vibe attracts your tribe’, but I’m sure there are enough of us who have felt hard done by in our adult friendships and will disagree. It’s a debate to be had isn’t it; ‘I didn’t deserve it, so why did this happen to me?’. Regardless of the experience, we as humans tend to never forget how a person made us feel. Fond memories of our teachers to a bully at school to our first breakup – good or bad, we remember how people once made us feel. With that, inevitably, we think – overthink – each friendship and the emotions that come with it.
Although it gets harder as we get older, it becomes somewhat easier to deal with. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from my personal experiences, it’s to trust the process. There’s a reason for what’s happening, even if we can’t see it at the time. A blessing in disguise, but with every blessing comes a lesson. Usually the other way around! So, although it may not make sense at the time, why a friend didn’t have your back, didn’t show their loyalty, didn’t give you the support you needed, didn’t have the right energy towards you, it will make sense one day. What you need to remember is that you’re not alone. We feel alone because when we feel hurt or betrayed, we shut ourselves away out of choice or feel like we don’t have someone to talk to. Why? Because we either don’t have someone to talk to or, quite honestly, we don’t know how to process what’s happened and discuss it without the fear of being judged. Will someone think I’m a loser for being shut out by my friends? Will they pity me?
Something we forget all too often is that not every emotion needs to be thoroughly questioned. It’s perfectly okay to feel what you feel and let. It. Go. Comparison is thief of joy, so why do it? It almost seems… crazy, doesn’t it?
Instead, heal. Not for them, for you. Heal because that’s what strength is. Sometimes, you’ll forgive someone who isn’t even sorry. Not for them, for you. Heal so that you can move forward, believe in yourself so that when your time does come, and you meet the right ones, you’ll know. You’ll know there’s no question about loyalty.
And let’s be honest, there will be friendships that just aren’t the same anymore, for no specific reasons, but once they were your sister, and now… you wouldn’t know what to say to them for more than 2 minutes. Heal. Gut feelings are real. If it’s meant to work out, it will. Your gut will tell you nothing has changed and it’s worth fighting for, and the same for them. After all, long lasting friendships require exactly that; patience, understanding and forgiveness. But – always a but – don’t be a victim to weak emotions. It’s okay to have so much love for someone, but no space in your life for them. Wishing them the absolute best and truly meaning it, now that’s growth. “Growth will have you stepping over things you used to trip on”. Hits home, right? Just me? Ok.
The thing with friendships is they’re one of the strongest and pure relationships we encounter, yet so delicate. Someone that isn’t your relative, isn’t legally obliged towards you, someone you meet by chance can truly love you, contribute to the person you become, change your life and become the family you have or never had. Soulmates. That’s what friends are. Not just boys, remember that girls. And that’s why, above it all, don’t be so hard on yourself. Not everyone meets their BFF’s at school or in their early 20’s. Not every friendship will last forever. Sometimes it’s us, we weren’t the best versions of ourselves, we aren’t proud of the things we’ve done (yes girl – we’ve all been there), and sometimes, it’s not us. We’ve just been hard done by. But that’s okay- we heal. And remember, just as we heal, so do others. Whether they do it as quick as us, or way after we do, they will. A lot of how someone behaves towards you is to do with how they feel inwards, and that’s what our journeys are about.
Far too often we don’t truly understand the value of a moment until it has passed and becomes a memory, so when it comes to valuing ourselves, no one will do that for us but ourselves. A partner will make you feel happier, special, confident even. But how can you expect them to truly see how dope you are if you yourself don’t think it? This is your time to shine sis, don’t dim your light for anyone. You wouldn’t be where you are today if you weren’t prepared to handle it.
By Zarah Sra | @ZS.STYLE