My Vagina Is ‘Broken’. – Anonymous
It just wouldn’t go in. No matter what position we tried, or how many times I squirted KY Jelly it was apparent it wasn’t going in. I remember being 23 and sitting on the edge of the bed dying inside of embarrassment and feeling sore. He kissed my forehead and assured me we would try again. He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss and this was my first time having sex. I was new to the world of sex, I had never explored myself, never been for an internal check and yes I was a little apprehensive, but I was ready to lose my virginity.
I never heard the word sex mentioned at home, coming from a strict Sikh family the whole topic was taboo. Due to this I had grown up thinking sex before marriage was wrong and dirty but, as I grew older my thoughts were changing for the better. My only awareness of sex had come from ‘sex ed’ at school or from listening to my friends talk about it.
We were now on our 5th/6thattempt of trying to have sex. I tried fighting through the pain and asking him to try and get it in but, he was scared of hurting me. It was having a huge toll on our relationship because I wanted to be alone due to being so embarrassed from my failed attempts. However he constantly supported me and I was lucky in this sense but, my anxiety was at all-time high, I started overthinking the situation and how he would leave me for other women or how I would never be able to start a family. Unable to speak to my friends and family due to the nature of the problem and the reserved person I was, I turned to Google for answers whilst frantically searching I came across my answer, it seemed I had a condition called ‘Vaginismus’.
Vaginismus was a condition that caused involuntary muscle spasms causing the vagina suddenly to tighten up just as you try to insert something. Although there was no magic cure for vaginismus it was curable. I felt elated that I finally had a name to my problem and could now seek treatment. I scoured the internet further and came across a support group on Facebook – Vaginismus Support. The group was full of women of all ages and backgrounds with all extremes of vaginismus from primary to secondary. There were hundreds of testimonials from women that had been cured filling me with the hope I was looking for. After interaction with the group I decided to take the first step which was going to speak to my GP to rule out any medical issues.
I was offered a telephone consultation with a practice nurse which turned out to be the most pointless of conversations as she advised to have an alcoholic drink to relax myself prior to having sex and I soon realised she had never heard of this health condition anyhow she advised me to call back if this was not to work (I did try and I can tell you it didn’t). It was weeks before I finally plucked the courage to call again. This time I received an appointment for an examination. The whole examination to put it lightly was absolutely horrific. I couldn’t even let the doctor touch me without hyperventilating because there was this intense fear of insertion.
Following the near impossible examination the doctor referred me to the hospital for further investigation.
Again she was another medical professional who had never heard of vaginismus. I waited a long 4-5 months to be seen and I stopped trying to have sex during this period. By this time I had started receiving letters for my smear test which I was ignoring; this is when I realised what a dangerous game I was playing with my health.
My hospital appointment came and consisted of a physical examination which again was so painful because even a one finger penetration was near impossible. The doctor diagnosed me with ‘dyspareunia’ but for me this was not a fitting diagnosis as this diagnosis was for women who had pain during sex but I wasn’t even reaching penetration. I however did not question his judgement and by this point I had no faith and no hope in being cured. He referred me onto a lady surgeon and advised that a thorough examination procedure under general anaesthetic had to be conducted. My procedure was a few months after my appointment and it consisted of my hymen being surgically removed. The good news that came from it was that there was nothing medically wrong with me.
I had primary vaginismus my doctor explained she had seen many Asian women with this problem due to our reserved upbringings and that it was a mental issue. She told me to start thinking of sex in a positive manner and to seek help from a therapist. She also gave me four dilators and asked me to dialyse every night. She inserted dilator number one herself in clinic, she was very firm and did not let me cry, she told me to breathe through my pain and slowly the pain started disappearing. Dilator one was the size of a half carrot and dilator four was the size of a large banana both length ways and width (apparently this was the size of an average penis) and, this made my stomach churn.
I started working on my dilator regime every night, as well as attending therapy. I was stuck on dilator one for a good few months, at this point I had no self-esteem I started comfort eating and had my weight was increasing rapidly.
I just wanted a quick fix and that is when I came across a clinic in America that claimed to cure vaginismus. The only down fall was that it was nearly £10,000 and it was not a guarantee so for me was not feasible. I did some further research and came across a clinic in the UK offering Botox injections into the vaginal muscles but I knew I would not be able to go through with it due to having to be awake during the procedure, so this again was not an option for me. I knew deep down I had to get through this myself.
It was now early 2019 and I was now 26. I had started attending the gym, going for regular myofascial massages and doing regular pelvic muscle stretches which helped with loosening tense muscles in my thighs and lower back, and most importantly I did not give up on dilating and had reached dilator number four by dilating twice a day and by slowly moving the dilator around inside of me to loosen the muscles.
On the 31stMarch 2019 after a long three years of tears, pain and absolute heartbreak I had SEX! It wasn’t fireworks, neither did I orgasm. But the feeling that I could now enjoy my life was better than anything! I was elated. I couldn’t wait to share my cure story with the rest of the vaginismus support group.
I am glad I am able to give you glimpse into my story and hope it finds another woman well. My main aim for this piece was to raise awareness around this issue and hope another woman who may be suffering with this condition can feel they are not alone.
Writer Anonymous
