What happens when parents listen…. – Preeti Bath

My name is Preeti, I am a qualified therapist, I started my training a few years back
after having seen the benefits of therapy first hand. It was then when I knew I would be the
one that breaks the trauma cycle that is engrained in so many immigrant households. Rest
assured, this is no easy task, as those of you who are doing the healing work and breaking
generational trauma cycles will know.

My family’s immigrant story is very common, my grandparents moved to Africa to
flee partition in India. My mum had to leave Uganda due to political unrest and my dad was
the last one in his family to move to England something he didn’t particularly want to do.
Both endured a lot of trauma in different ways and this inevitably affected the childhood my
sister and I had. For the sake of the word count I am going to focus this post on my dad’s
approach to raising two girls. My dad is many things, he’s a successful self-made man, a
truck driver, a business owner and most importantly for my sister and I, a feminist. From as
long as I can remember, my dad has emphasised the importance of education and financial
independence to us. He has never once made us feel any less capable of something due to our
gender, so much so he actively encouraged us to work in his male dominated industry. My
dad wanted us to have what he had: an unquestionable amount of self-belief that sometimes
in our culture comes more easily if you are male. Up until this day when life gets tough for
him or us, he always says “moda naal moda chaal” which translates as ‘walk next to me
shoulder to shoulder’. Never behind, but rather as an equal.

This equality was something I took for granted when I was younger; I honestly just
thought this was the norm. It wasn’t until I finished my undergrad and other friends started to
get the social pressure from families to marry, that I realised just how truly blessed I was.
People around us, friends and family would often comment on how lucky we were to not be
pressured, my dad would jump to our rescue when comments such as “you’re getting old
now” or “girls don’t stay at home” would be thrown around. Often
my friends would come to my dad and discuss their relationship problems and what struck
me the most was when they were in these awful situations with inadequate men they would
say “things would be different for me if I had a supportive Dad like yours”. As young girls

and women, we are constantly fighting the patriarchy in all its many forms and I think it is
imperative that the next generation encourage this self-belief, independence, and support, so
we have a population of happy thriving people, not just people surviving and healing from
trauma. My dad comes from a generation which didn’t see women as equal, in fact it saw
them as sub servant, but he is the literal embodiment of the quote “before you be somebodies, be somebody”. Nobody taught him this, in fact society taught him the opposite but he
questioned the system and came up with his own beliefs. Something I think we should all be
doing with ‘norms’ that are damaging.

The second-best thing that my dad has done for my sister, and I is that he has made an
active effort to understand mental health. Firstly, processing his own trauma’s and then trying
to understand ours. I suffer with chronic anxiety and during my early twenties there was a
time when it was debilitating. My Dad did not come from a family where you sit down and
talk about your feelings, but he knew that he wanted to be his children’s friend not just their
parent and he made every effort to make sure that we have a strong friendship. As my passion
for understanding mental health grew, my dad made an effort to educate himself with me. He
then went one step further and implemented that into our family life, whether that came in the
form of check in’s, discussions around uncomfortable issues, or constantly reassuring us that
we can talk about anything at any time. This was a changing point in our relationship, as
when I was younger we haven’t always seen eye to eye and haven’t always necessarily been
close, however his effort to understand our journey, break down his own unhelpful learnt
behaviors and implement change have deepened our bond and made me eternally grateful
for him.

What this has done for me has literally been life changing. As a family we have been
able to heal so many wounds and stop so many unhelpful patterns of behavior repeating
themselves. Do we always get it right? No. Is healing a straightforward journey? No, it’s an
ongoing cycle, that requires commitment and determination but knowing you can confide in a
parent figure provides an unwavering sense of support. Life is turbulent enough and in Asian
culture it’s so important that we encourage parents to support their children. Nobody is
immune to bad mental health days, they are part of a parcel of life however a supportive
network starts at home, if you want to change the quality of your life, change the unhelpful
behaviors, and start showing up the way you wish people showed up for you.

I write this post because I have come across so many young girls and women who
have suffered in bad relationships, or settled for less, because they
didn’t have anyone to support them. I cannot emphasis enough how important a support
system is, culturally we’ve tried surviving, it’s now time for us to start thriving and that starts
with us understanding our mental health, listening, and supporting each other.

By Preeti Bath